I'm a Terrified Second-Semester Senior.

January was a sub-par month. A lot of personal stuff went on, some worth sharing and some work keeping private. After assessing the “damage” of the premiere month of 2020, there’s a lot on my mind, most of it about the future. It’s honestly a little tough to sit down and type out exactly how I’m feeling and where my head is because as much as Daily Dose of Prep is a public platform, I’m a relatively private person. But here’s to trying…

I’m in my last semester of college. My last semester of formal education...ever. In thirteen weeks the only formal education I’ll receive from here on out is from life’s lessons. I’m terrified. People think going from high school to college is hard, I’m already anticipating the challenges I’ll face when I go from traditional education to unleashed freedom. 

For the past three and a half years my biggest concern has been the project due in two weeks, my tiny library paycheck, how long chapter would take on Sunday and how much my Uber is going to cost on Saturday night. My hard work was determined by professor-constructed grade scales and participation counted for 5-10% of anything. It all seemed so important at the time, and you know what, it was. Projects created time management skills, my tiny paycheck taught budgeting, chapter meetings taught commitment and ubering taught me the power of travelling in numbers. But now, all of those little lessons are being put to the ultimate test and this test lasts for decades. That’s pretty scary stuff. 

Not to mention that I’m a planner. How do you plan for unlimited freedom? You can’t. Also, how can I plan for day zero of my full-fledged adulthood when I have no plans on where to live or how to earn money. For my entire life I never had to think about there I was going to live or how I was going to keep the lights on or keep my fridge full. All of a sudden I go from training to my first real shift on the job of adulthood. I’m lucky and so fortunate to never have to had worry about this until now, when it’s time to worry about these things, but that doesn’t make them any less intimidating. 

For the past month, my head has been swirling with the fears and potential failures that come with leaving all of my friends and taking on the world on my own. While we’re on that subject, I’ll be on my own. Solo. By myself. My ultimate goal is to move to a new city, which means that I’ll be alone. It’s like navigating the Jersey Turnpike without a map or anyone to ask for directions. There is no rule book on how to handle this, which means I have to write my own as I go along. Thank God I’m a writing minor 😅.

The double-edged sword of this thought process is that there is no answer, at least not right now. Patience is the only remedy to feeling the absolutely unease that comes with the second semester of senior year. Patience and perseverance. On one hand, patience can be so difficult to master. On the other hand, it’s nice to know that not I, nor anyone, can fully control the weariness that the second semester of college can bring. 

Simply put, it‘s a scary but exciting time. The perfect combo for growth and change. I know I’ll get a job. Where? That’s up to God to reveal that to me. I’ve prepared myself to take on whatever job welcomes me in May. I’ve put in the hours in class, at internships and on personal projects to make me a strong employee at any company. I have no doubt in my ability to do this, the waiting is the worst part though. One that cannot be rushed along or sped up through worry or fear. The Bible says “let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” Galatians 6:9. If I do good work and remain patient, I will reap what my efforts have sowed. 

So although Instagram and the blog might seem like a utopia where I can write about clothes and beauty, let it be known that lifestyle posts do not equal life posts. The future is scary and it's made me question my self-worth, my capabilities and if I'm good enough for the next step in life. It's also reminded me that five years ago, who knew I'd be here. There are no benchmarks at this point where we all either pass or fail. We can all do whatever we want at this point in the game.

It's exciting to see some of my best friends get into grad school and law school and get job offers and get accepted to the Peace Corps. Mapping the soon-to-be diaspora of my friends is so exciting, and I'm thrilled to join that chart as soon as I know where I'll be. Life is scary and uncharted and worrisome. But that doesn't mean that life can't be exciting and crazy and unexpected and thrilling. That's what I need to keep reminding myself over the next thirteen weeks as I head towards graduation.